You know you’re a medical student when…
1. You take forever explaining to people how long you'll be in school for, and realise you’ll get a medical doctor title the same time your friend gets a PhD doctor title.
2. You get hung-over from work on the weekdays, and from alcohol/intoxicating substances (to try to forget the pain of medical school) on the weekends.
3. You contemplate anything between dropping out and suicide after you finish each exam, even before knowing the results.
4. The only people you like/adore/have a crush on/fall in love with are your colleagues/seniors/juniors.
5. You get depressed and emotional just thinking about how bad a doctor you’ll become in a few years.
6. You equate/try to relate each doctor/medical staff you meet with a character in House, ER, Scrubs or Grey’s Anatomy. The wannabe is Cristina Yang, the OCD bimbo is Elliott Reed.
7. You often mumble to yourself, “F***! Am I supposed to know that?” as soon as you see or hear about some disease/symptom/sign that you completely have no clue about. Then you blame it on the medical school for not teaching you that.
8. The sound of a van reversing with a beep makes you look around for someone’s bleep.
9. You answer every question with, “Hmm (pretending to think for a second), I don’t know.” And you know the most correct answer is, “It depends, sir.”
10. You diagnose every single abnormality on yourself/family/friends as a life-threatening condition. You think the tiny haematoma on your finger is a risk for PE.
11. You have a crush on each senior medical student or doctor who teaches you something (of the opposite sex most of the time).
12. You have too many free pens, notebooks, pamphlets, peak flow meters, blood glucose monitors etc. You know the drug reps are trying to buy you.
13. You watch House and ER, and think you can score in the exams and get through medical school. Wrong, only Dr.Wikipedia helps.
14. You instantly feel that you want to bang your head against the wall whenever someone says “You’re a medical student? You must be very smart then!”, because it’s an unbearable accusation.
15. You have bouts of breaking down, screaming or crying in the last month and wished that you were not a medical student, yet still continue the course as you have no idea what you would do if you quit. Besides knowing you don’t have enough brains to do anything else either.
16. You feel there is something wrong if you don’t have an exam coming up.
17. You often suddenly wake up in the middle of the night with palpitations and sweating, thinking it’s the day of your exams/OSCE/portfolio review.
18. The only pyjamas you have and want to wear are scrubs.
19. You think the 6-8 glasses of water recommended daily means coffee.
20. You evilly wish that someone will get hurt/collapse on the train/in any public place so you can do first aid/resuscitation.
21. Your friend is upset/distressed about something and you think “Yes, a mental health issue that I can practise my skills on!”
22. You work out so that you get a six pack, so that you will make a good simulated patient for the seniors. (Pastu kunun malu baju ketat. Pwek.
)
23. You hold/shake your friend/partner’s hand for more than 15 seconds and realise you’re taking their pulse.
24. You still have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend (ever) by the time you qualify. And you don’t bother, since the divorce rate is 70% for physicians.
25. Your friend/cousin zooms in front of you with his brand new car and treats you to lunch with his own paycheck and on top of that, talks about property and houses to buy. And you’re still struggling to buy second hand reference books.
26. You find yourself always carrying a pen even if you’re out for a date/lunch/dinner.
27. You have exams in a few days and when you try doing practice questions, you don’t know what to do with your pen besides underlining the key words in the question.
28. Conversations with people involve “So tell me what happened.”, “So how does that make you feel?”, and “I understand it must be very difficult for you.”
29. You have a fever/flu/cold/cough/sore throat and can’t rest until you identify which patient caused it. Better not be that HIV or TB patient.
30. You seem to know too much gossip about too many people, and yet you’re not sure how that happened.
31. You’re 100% sure you’re fat/chubby because of Cushing’s, ascites, hypothyroidism or oedema.
32. You often wonder why the heck you even bothered to take medicine when you know you’ll work nights, be underpaid and always have to keep the clients (patients) happy. Just like a hooker.
33. You're overly proud of the fact that you have a non-medic friend. And they’re not invisible.
34. You’re cleaning a patient’s wound (draining pus or any other gruesome theme) and keep thinking about what to have for lunch.
35. You feel upset that everybody is going back early for summer and feel like doing nikah mut`ah, just so you don’t talk to the wall for two months.
36. You describe the hall as hyperechoic, the paint on the wall as anaemic and the bookshelf as elevated.
37. You have a peak moment in life when a senior says “good” or “well done”; it’s so relieving to know you’re not a complete drain on society.
38. Your intelligence/stupidity and fitness to practise is assessed based on which medical school you go to. Of course you're stupidest and unsafest if you're from Manchester.
39. You get turned on by every other male doctor, but feel nothing when performing a testicular examination on a young fit (soldier!) patient. Without gloves.
40. You’re content knowing that you actually do lead a normal and sane life. Even if it’s just a few hours in a day, while you’re asleep.
41. You don’t know why your handwriting has increased in size and incomprehensibility.
42. You’re completely socially retarded when you hang out with non-medics as you don't know what to talk about besides your miserable life as a medical student.
43. You see an extremely fit and hot person at the gym and the first thing you notice is their appendectomy scar.
44. A patient/doctor asks if you've done a procedure before (e.g. cannulation, suturing) and you say "Yes", without revealing the fact that the previous patients were plastic models.
45. You know you’re too old to be studying anything more intensive than a cookbook, and there’s practically no more space in your brain to fit anything.
46. You don’t understand why summer vacation is only one month, although summer itself is three months.
47. You hate someone and know exactly how to kill them even without involving cyanide or carbon monoxide.
48. Sarcasm is your second language. After swear words/cursing.
49. You look at people’s hands and arms and wonder which vein would be a ‘good vein’ for venepuncture or cannulation.
50. You wash your hands after meals and the loo using the 6-step technique.
51. You’re secretly happy that the really smart guy stopped medical school and start complotting who next to eliminate. Just so the normal distribution skews to the left so you won’t fail.
52. You can tell what day it is from knowing which consultant is doing his ward round that day.
53. School is anytime between 9 to 9. The next morning, I mean.
54. You think every male wearing scrubs is hot/sexy, no matter how ugly they really are.
55. You wonder where they keep thyroxine and morphine so you can steal them.
56. Your roommate, housemate, neighbour, boyfriend, girlfriend, any close friends and practically everybody are not spared from being your simulated patient (or stimulated as Kak Zy calls them).
57. You can’t wait for weekends, so that you can catch up on your readings.
58. You don’t look at people’s faces when you talk to them. You look at their neck – for carotid pulsations, JVP, thyroid, SCM, thyroid cartilage, …
59. You lose weight just from walking around and up and down 5 floors of stairs for 4 hours for ward rounds.
60. You blame neurotransmitters and hormones for anything going wrong in your life.
61. Your hair starts greying and falling out at the age of 21.
62. You have a list of pathologies that you don't mind dying from. Definitely not cancer though.
63. You count the days till your next more-than-two-days-weekend-break, which is at least 4 months away.
1. You take forever explaining to people how long you'll be in school for, and realise you’ll get a medical doctor title the same time your friend gets a PhD doctor title.
2. You get hung-over from work on the weekdays, and from alcohol/intoxicating substances (to try to forget the pain of medical school) on the weekends.
3. You contemplate anything between dropping out and suicide after you finish each exam, even before knowing the results.
4. The only people you like/adore/have a crush on/fall in love with are your colleagues/seniors/juniors.
5. You get depressed and emotional just thinking about how bad a doctor you’ll become in a few years.
6. You equate/try to relate each doctor/medical staff you meet with a character in House, ER, Scrubs or Grey’s Anatomy. The wannabe is Cristina Yang, the OCD bimbo is Elliott Reed.
7. You often mumble to yourself, “F***! Am I supposed to know that?” as soon as you see or hear about some disease/symptom/sign that you completely have no clue about. Then you blame it on the medical school for not teaching you that.
8. The sound of a van reversing with a beep makes you look around for someone’s bleep.
9. You answer every question with, “Hmm (pretending to think for a second), I don’t know.” And you know the most correct answer is, “It depends, sir.”
10. You diagnose every single abnormality on yourself/family/friends as a life-threatening condition. You think the tiny haematoma on your finger is a risk for PE.
11. You have a crush on each senior medical student or doctor who teaches you something (of the opposite sex most of the time).
12. You have too many free pens, notebooks, pamphlets, peak flow meters, blood glucose monitors etc. You know the drug reps are trying to buy you.
13. You watch House and ER, and think you can score in the exams and get through medical school. Wrong, only Dr.Wikipedia helps.
14. You instantly feel that you want to bang your head against the wall whenever someone says “You’re a medical student? You must be very smart then!”, because it’s an unbearable accusation.
15. You have bouts of breaking down, screaming or crying in the last month and wished that you were not a medical student, yet still continue the course as you have no idea what you would do if you quit. Besides knowing you don’t have enough brains to do anything else either.
16. You feel there is something wrong if you don’t have an exam coming up.
17. You often suddenly wake up in the middle of the night with palpitations and sweating, thinking it’s the day of your exams/OSCE/portfolio review.
18. The only pyjamas you have and want to wear are scrubs.
19. You think the 6-8 glasses of water recommended daily means coffee.
20. You evilly wish that someone will get hurt/collapse on the train/in any public place so you can do first aid/resuscitation.
21. Your friend is upset/distressed about something and you think “Yes, a mental health issue that I can practise my skills on!”
22. You work out so that you get a six pack, so that you will make a good simulated patient for the seniors. (Pastu kunun malu baju ketat. Pwek.
)23. You hold/shake your friend/partner’s hand for more than 15 seconds and realise you’re taking their pulse.
24. You still have never had a boyfriend/girlfriend (ever) by the time you qualify. And you don’t bother, since the divorce rate is 70% for physicians.
25. Your friend/cousin zooms in front of you with his brand new car and treats you to lunch with his own paycheck and on top of that, talks about property and houses to buy. And you’re still struggling to buy second hand reference books.
26. You find yourself always carrying a pen even if you’re out for a date/lunch/dinner.
27. You have exams in a few days and when you try doing practice questions, you don’t know what to do with your pen besides underlining the key words in the question.
28. Conversations with people involve “So tell me what happened.”, “So how does that make you feel?”, and “I understand it must be very difficult for you.”
29. You have a fever/flu/cold/cough/sore throat and can’t rest until you identify which patient caused it. Better not be that HIV or TB patient.
30. You seem to know too much gossip about too many people, and yet you’re not sure how that happened.
31. You’re 100% sure you’re fat/chubby because of Cushing’s, ascites, hypothyroidism or oedema.
32. You often wonder why the heck you even bothered to take medicine when you know you’ll work nights, be underpaid and always have to keep the clients (patients) happy. Just like a hooker.
33. You're overly proud of the fact that you have a non-medic friend. And they’re not invisible.
34. You’re cleaning a patient’s wound (draining pus or any other gruesome theme) and keep thinking about what to have for lunch.
35. You feel upset that everybody is going back early for summer and feel like doing nikah mut`ah, just so you don’t talk to the wall for two months.
36. You describe the hall as hyperechoic, the paint on the wall as anaemic and the bookshelf as elevated.
37. You have a peak moment in life when a senior says “good” or “well done”; it’s so relieving to know you’re not a complete drain on society.
38. Your intelligence/stupidity and fitness to practise is assessed based on which medical school you go to. Of course you're stupidest and unsafest if you're from Manchester.
39. You get turned on by every other male doctor, but feel nothing when performing a testicular examination on a young fit (soldier!) patient. Without gloves.
40. You’re content knowing that you actually do lead a normal and sane life. Even if it’s just a few hours in a day, while you’re asleep.
41. You don’t know why your handwriting has increased in size and incomprehensibility.
42. You’re completely socially retarded when you hang out with non-medics as you don't know what to talk about besides your miserable life as a medical student.
43. You see an extremely fit and hot person at the gym and the first thing you notice is their appendectomy scar.
44. A patient/doctor asks if you've done a procedure before (e.g. cannulation, suturing) and you say "Yes", without revealing the fact that the previous patients were plastic models.
45. You know you’re too old to be studying anything more intensive than a cookbook, and there’s practically no more space in your brain to fit anything.
46. You don’t understand why summer vacation is only one month, although summer itself is three months.
47. You hate someone and know exactly how to kill them even without involving cyanide or carbon monoxide.
48. Sarcasm is your second language. After swear words/cursing.
49. You look at people’s hands and arms and wonder which vein would be a ‘good vein’ for venepuncture or cannulation.
50. You wash your hands after meals and the loo using the 6-step technique.
51. You’re secretly happy that the really smart guy stopped medical school and start complotting who next to eliminate. Just so the normal distribution skews to the left so you won’t fail.
52. You can tell what day it is from knowing which consultant is doing his ward round that day.
53. School is anytime between 9 to 9. The next morning, I mean.
54. You think every male wearing scrubs is hot/sexy, no matter how ugly they really are.
55. You wonder where they keep thyroxine and morphine so you can steal them.
56. Your roommate, housemate, neighbour, boyfriend, girlfriend, any close friends and practically everybody are not spared from being your simulated patient (or stimulated as Kak Zy calls them
).57. You can’t wait for weekends, so that you can catch up on your readings.
58. You don’t look at people’s faces when you talk to them. You look at their neck – for carotid pulsations, JVP, thyroid, SCM, thyroid cartilage, …
59. You lose weight just from walking around and up and down 5 floors of stairs for 4 hours for ward rounds.
60. You blame neurotransmitters and hormones for anything going wrong in your life.
61. Your hair starts greying and falling out at the age of 21.
62. You have a list of pathologies that you don't mind dying from. Definitely not cancer though.
63. You count the days till your next more-than-two-days-weekend-break, which is at least 4 months away.
